thoughts on a romance

I've just watched the BBC’s production of Persuasion by Jane Austen and my initial thought upon finishing it was “Rubbish!” I have not only wasted time, but filled my mind with images of heaving bosoms, trembling lips, longing looks and a final passionate kiss that bespeaks the only proper ending to an emotionally-charged romance. But surely I can learn something if I will think it through.

The good:

- I admired several qualities of the main character, Anne Elliot: her firmness of will - such as when she unflinchingly put out her hands to reset a young boy’s dislocated collarbone, her modest demeanor amidst a family that was excessively vain and infatuated with human honor, her kindness toward her rather annoying sister, (whom I would have been quite inclined to shake violently); her patience in not immediately throwing herself at a man she loved very much; her disregard for status, such as in calling on a poor woman as her friend.
- The fact that Captain Frederick loved Anne more for her character than her looks was commendable.
- I appreciated the sobriety of Ann and the Captain, who did not try to casually toss away the awkwardness of their strained relationship with forced levity. (Yet could there have been forgiveness for righteousness’ sake, and not merely because they were still in love with each other? Of course, but such stories are never made into movies!)
- I appreciated the way the story honored the woman who quietly waited, and not the woman who was giddy and flirtatious. The whole movie portrayed flirtation in a bad light, and that can be helpful in discouraging its practice.

The bad:

- Family ties were portrayed as something that existed only for status, and there was no portrayal of the family as it ought to be. The hero of the story was the young woman who finally disregarded her family for the love of her heart. Now, as the story went, there really was nothing else she could do. Her family was a cluster of (rather nauseating) primping societal baubles who cared nothing for matters of the soul…. Captain Frederick was handsome and ardent and deep down he loved Anne…where else could the story go? And yet, this individualistic disregard of the family, though made necessary in Persuasion, is played out again and again in contemporary homes where self-absorbed young women live in a dream-world where they imagine themselves to be just like Ann Elliot, and there families to be as ridiculous as hers. Imbued with a sense of sacred individualism, they imagine their romantic affairs to be their own personal possession, and hope that their emotional attachment to the boy down the street will end with a kiss as passionate as the Captain’s, and a love as undying. The vision for God-honoring and holy relationships, the beauty of properly exercised headship and submission, and the Christian realization that I am not my own but God’s - are drowned by deafening throb of the individual heart.
- The story follows the pattern of romantic fantasizing in which many women are prone to indulge. The female heart’s longing for love, if fueled by a vivid imagination, can easily produce a story like this. Austen had a good imagination. Some women do not - never mind - they can fuel their fantasy with the stories of talented writers. Though romantic stories are not always wrong in themselves, they have great potential danger as fuel for idle fantasizing, which is not only unprofitable, but also has a tendency to inflame lust.
- The story was focused on the human level, as if men were gods and God was unimportant, even non-existent. God alone satisfies the longing of the human heart, but sadly, the story portrayed what so many people erroneously think - that human love will satisfy the heart’s deepest longings.

So then, am I glad I watched the movie? I’m not sure. The suspense was wonderful. The ending was rapturous. But I was profoundly unsatisfied, and not surprised. I have a happy ending still to come, that will make Anne and the Captain look like crumbly claymation. It’s not just my personal happy ending, but one to be shared with all Christ’s people, when the love of our hearts will come back (after an absence much longer than eight years), and prove that he still loves us by raising us out of the grave, to be with Him forever.

pre-anesthesia musings

Getting ready to head to my wisdom-teeth surgery in about an hour, I had a few thoughts about how our soul kept through faith if we are unconscious...

Although it is by faith that the soul experiences saving union with Jesus Christ, and without faith in Christ, there is no life or salvation - it is not ultimately our faith which keeps us united to Christ, but the loving decree of God to save us and make us His own. If this were not so, and our faith were the primary and ultimate factor in our salvation, we would lose our salvation every time we sleep. But He who watches over Israel does not slumber or sleep, and He preserves our souls when our minds are in such a state that they cannot continue to exercise faith. Still we are called in all our waking moments to believe the promises of God in Jesus Christ, for He only is our life and our salvation. To do otherwise than believe in Him for all that He is to us is to deny Him to be our life and salvation. Therefore, when we believe anything, we believe in the Lord Jesus Christ; and when we can neither think nor have any faith at all, the promises in which we believe remain true, and the God whom we believe remains faithful. Thus it is shown that He, and not us, is the ultimate source of salvation....

accustomed to the evils so long...

"What appears to be practised by many soon obtains the force of a custom. And human affairs have scarcely ever been in so good a state as for the majority to be pleased with things of real excellence. From the private vices of multitudes, therefore, has arisen public error, or rather a common agreement of vices...It is evident to all who can see, that the world is inundated with more than an ocean of evils... And the remedy is rejected for no other reason, but because we have been accustomed to the evils so long.

a corrupt custom is nothing but an epidemical pestilence."

- John Calvin, dedicatory intro to Institutes of the Christian Religion

Spring Mercies

“your Father in heaven…makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”
- Matthew 5:45

“God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance”
- Romans 2:4

Sun bright and sweet casts widening smiles
Across the earth’s awakening face
And sparks soft grass with glowing life
And all is green and all is grace.

In still-bare treetops blithe birds sing
Bared people walk with happy eyes
In sun and warmth, the strength of spring
For them, they know not otherwise.

Each heart leaps forth to grasp the boon
Of nature’s smiles, plans pleasant ways
To revel in the vivid gift
Of soft blue skies and sunny days

Men who their Maker disregard
Yet think to own His smiles as theirs
For to the unjust He gives light
Although they take it unawares.

And saints whose eyes are winter-worn
Whose hearts grow sad o’er present sin
In spring hear resurrection’s voice
And hope their battles soon to win.

In spring, few weary, warring souls
Are loathe to lay their armor off
For heaven’s rays seem bright on earth
Sin old, a thing at which we’d scoff.

But though the resurrection’s call
Rings glad in warm breeze and bird’s cry
These give but hope, not solid change
Saints’ wars end not until they die.

Though heav’n seems here, it’s yet to come
Spring’s not war’s lull, but kind supply
Of sweet refreshment in the fray
That girds us with peculiar joy.

God’s mercies to men good and bad
Are meant to humble all their pride
Spring shows His grace and patience great
Toward sinful men who Him despise.

Soul, see God’s kindness in the spring
As grace to all unworthy men
Remembering that a greater grace
That spring foresees to you is giv’n.

Echoes of my End

My Lord Jesus, coming soon, I have thought lately on what it will be like to see you, since I have not seen you but tasted many of your gifts which are but glimmers of your sweetness. Oh what shall it be unto my soul to taste and see you in your glory?

It will be at once like lying down my weary self upon a pillowed softness, sinking into sweet and restful sleep,

and like waking on a summer morning with sunshine streaming in the open window, breezes bringing scents of dewy grass and sounds of singing birds, heart thrilling with eagerness to meet the cheerful day...

like rest and like awakening at once it will be to see you.

It will be something like that irresistible awfulness felt standing in the ocean surf as its thick waves rush with foaming crests and wash with deep, wet power over me, leaving me almost breathless,

and like the solemn stillness of entering a forest glade at noon day when all is quiet, and sunshine downward streams through dappling leaves and gladdens the earth's tender grass

for your presence is at once terribly glorious and unspeakably sweet.

It will be like standing on a mountain with the forest, plains and rivers stretching on forever below, all given to my view, heart and eyes stretching to take in all the vastness

and like gazing at a tiny flower with its bright and gorgeous petals, fuzzy center, glistening stamen, focused concentration with fascination at its perfection.

for you are at once infinitely great and precisely perfect

It will be like the sound of great, sweet music, as when a mighty choir joins with flawless harmony in joyful songs; like the thrilling, dance-calling melodies of fiddles and flutes, and the songs of birds and the laughter of children, and the terrifying rumble of thunder, like those certain lovely chords of instrument or voice that strike the soul beyond the ear and make it swell with yearning

and it will be like the utter silence of a winter evening, when snow lies white and sparkling cold beneath the silver moonlight, or of a solemn, empty chapel - that awesome quietness

both the sounds and the silences are echoes of you, my Maker - oh to hear your voice!

It will be like coming home, with all the fondness of belonging and precious long familiarity - for you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations - you are the true father, brother, friend of whom all earthly relations are but ever-faulty pictures.

and it will be like stepping onto a far distant dream-shore, filled with new sights, sounds and smells that dazzle and delight the senses - for you are beyond imagination

like dearest home and wildest dream, both for which my heart does ache with longing - so shall your presence be to me.

And my soul shall be satisfied with you, as when my earthly tongue is satisfied with the first nectar-dripping bite of summer's sweet fruit, or with thick sliced bread, spread warm with butter, or with the coolness of water or the savor of fresh-salted meat, well roasted

Yet it will also be like the all-distracting hunger that comes when I am famished, and am allured by a delicious scent
for you shall be so lovely to my soul that I shall with one glimpse be more satisfied than ever I was before, yet at the same time more famished than ever before, longing for a million, trillion centuries more to taste the sweetness of yourself, and - what joy - I shall not as with earthly food grow full and heavy with those things on which I feed, but will grow ever and ever with capacities for continual satisfaction in you and continual hunger for more of you. Sweet hope - oh my soul taste this past the shadowy crumbs that thrill your earthly tongue.

Why, Lord Jesus, do I so oft forget that all earth's gifts are echoes, shadows, flickers of your self, your sweet majesty, Maker and Redeemer of all - oh why do I forget? Ever hold before my eyes the promise that my life is hid in you and that my one glad end is to behold you and be like you. I would eagerly await Your coming - You who are my all in all.

Yet I must stop, consider how it is that I who long despised you, rebelled against your rightful rule, loved self and the fast-rotting pleasures of sin and was utterly damnable for all my evils, whorings, idol-worship - how is it that I should be brought to expect the enjoyment of eternal pleasures at your right hand.

For I - Lord Jesus!...now I weep - I think on what I did deserve and all those mercy-given foretastes of what it is like to be separated from you.

It would be like the aching loneliness of being left out, as when all the children are laughing together in their play and I am seated alone to the side because they do not know me or care for my company, or as when the family is gathered around the fragrant dinner table and I lie sick abed in the next room, unable to rise or to partake in the meal because of my sickness.

and it will be like the squeezing terror of being trapped in a dark closet, hot and stifling with no one in the house to hear my bangings, cryings and open the door, and like being submerged too long in water, longing for air and fearing to drown, not breathing, lungs bursting, burning anguish…

like being both alienated outside and trapped inside will it be to be separated from you

Oh my anguish! I cannot write these things - they are too painful!

Yet these are tastes of what my sin deserved. How is it now that I am brought to hope in you, expect a joyful end?

For though you are altogether lovely, perfect, beloved by God the Father and one with Him, and had enjoyed from all eternity a whole and perfect fellowship that outshines all precious earthly ties. And though you had created us to reflect, enjoy your glory in a small but lovely way, as you had always done with your Father in a great and lovely way, we utterly despised this blessed purpose and sought to be our own god…insulted, despised, rejected, hated you - we wanted nothing of you, and how just you would have been to give us what we wanted, now and forever - separation from you. It was not only what we blindly sought, but all we deserved. Justice demanded that our crime receive its payment.

…Were you not happy in the bosom of the Father, Lord Jesus?

…Were you not content to forever behold His face, without us?

…Were you not free to damn us and uphold the glory we’d disdained?

…Were you not happy? Were you not free?

Why then, why - this garb of naked infant flesh, this holy, yet humiliating human life, this bearing of a bloody cross - and the cry “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”?

Forsaken by the Father? No!!! The horror is too dark for words. It was our rebellion that cried for separation from God. We did not care! We did not know what we had forfeited! We deserved the hellish darkness, lonely burning. Not you, Lord Jesus, not you, who knew and loved the Father, were known and loved by Him.

But here, forsaken altogether, you bore our sin - rebellion, idol-worship - all that deserved to be cast out of God’s presence you became, and thus you were cut off from His presence yourself…

…That we might be saved.

Jesus!

When I think upon the sweet hope of your coming and all the foretastes given me by grace, let me not forget how dearly these were purchased for me.

Remind me of the loveliness of your humiliation and the greatness of your sacrifice.

And this, Lord Jesus, in itself - that you are the Lamb slain for my sin - is the one thing that will make you loveliest of all before my blood-bought, wondering eyes on the day you come.

My love, I long to stand before you, trembling, smiling, hearing the voice that thrills my heart beyond all others say, "Enter into the joy of your Lord."

The Promised Good

Ought I believe, when dark my way,
That darkness also clouds that Love
To which I, hoping lone, did pray
And desperate sought a blessing of?

How could my gracious God deny
The pleadings of my longing heart?
And turn a deaf ear to the cry
For good of which I had no part?

Had He not pledged to do me good -
Yea, to delight to work for me?
To give to me my daily food -
And all I needed, graciously?

But that which I desired most dear
He gave not - love mysterious this,
That graciously refused to hear,
That he might me more deeply bless.

What sweet surprise to stumbling souls
Like mine, when through the dreary sky,
The brilliant sun shines forth and rolls
The clouds away, and shadows fly.

And what till now seemed vain, seems best
And I, with shame-mixed joy, perceive
That I had naught to do, but rest
In God whose promise I believe.

His promise had not failed - ‘twas I
That asked amiss and foolishly
My God, with purpose deep and high,
Withheld what would bring misery.

Bold, laughingly, I now may tread
The paths to come, remembering still
That God who gives His children bread
Has good toward them set in His will.

Doubt not, my soul, when dark your road
And guiding light is long denied
Remembering, believe your God
Who hitherto has all supplied.

From hour to hour your mortal days
Shall given be by wisdom kind.
Your God rules over all your ways
You He shall cause right paths to find.

A helper He has been to you
He changes not, therefore He shall
Again prove all His pledges true
And work in ways you could not tell.

Remember, oh remember this -
That God is good and He is wise,
And though it seems you've blessing missed,
In days to come, you’ll realize.

That once again, His providence
Has worked in sweet, mysterious ways
He hitherto has helped, and hence
He’ll be your help through all your days.

- May 31, 2008

Comfortable or Useful?

What would I ask? That I might be at ease, or that I might do good?

The place where I am most comfortable is not always the place where I am most useful.

And I shall not want comfort of soul, for Christ is mine.
I am comforted to be His loved by Him.
I am comforted to be placed here by Him.
I am comforted to be under His sanctifying work and to be a means of it to others.
I am comforted in hope of sharing His eternal rest after the tossing about has passed, knowing that all trials prepare all God's people for this great happy end.

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you....
We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." - 2 Corinthians 4, ESV

An Amazing Statement

I was listening the other day to a sermon by Paul Washer, and this statement that he quoted from A.W. Tozer shot out of the laptop speaker and plunged into my heart,

"I can tell how much of God you have by how much entertainment you need."

That is one of the most profound statements, outside of the Bible, that I have ever heard.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Is that enough? That God IS - is that enough? Is it good enough that as long as God IS, anyone who is His need never be - not only never frightened, never worried, never bitter, never lonely - but never bored?

This statement has opened doors of understanding for me. Why, in moments of rest, or engagement in dull duties, did I hunger for something to amuse me? Because I was not satisfied in God. If, with the eyes of my heart, I am looking unto the Beloved Savior, delighting in all that he is, why should I be bored?

There is a difference between freely engaging in wholesome amusement with a God-glorifying purpose, and the restless hunger to be amused. The latter is for worldlings and children, not for God's own.

Next time the desire to fill my empty heart with entertainment comes, how about this -

"Jesus, Savior, come to me;
Let me ever be with Thee,
Come and nevermore depart,
Thou who reignest in my heart.

Lord, for Thee I ever sigh,
Nothing else can satisfy.
Ever do I cry to Thee:
Jesus, Jesus, come to Me!

Earthly joys can give no peace,
Cannot bid my longing cease;
Still to have my Jesus near,
This is all my pleasure here."

by Johann Scheffler, 1657-1677
Translated by Matthias Loy, 1828-1915

We fight...

With thanksgiving we fight

In the soul's bitter night

And we battle dark forces with song.

~ ~ ~

Lust gives way to loving

And fears fall to trusting

As gratitude proves itself strong.

~ ~ ~

"And be thankful."

- Colossians 3:15

Opportunities to Die

In my notebook I found this short line that I copied from Amy Carmichael's biography.* I am still finding it true:

"'Home with all its prohibitions and opportunities to die daily.'"

Maybe it sounds negative. There are so many good things about home. But wait - this is one of them. This is one of the good things about home: opportunities to die daily. Daily dwelling with other imperfect people is something God uses to sanctify me. The wait outside the bathroom door, the dirty shoes on the rug, the instrument being practiced while I'm trying to study - these are the nitty gritty parts of home-life. But they are chances to die, to look not only to my own interests but also to the interests of others, to lay down my life for my brothers. Everything can't always be the way I want it, and that's actually good. When I see dirty shoes on the rug, I can mentally take them up like a sword, and instead of pricking the negligent "culprit" with it, I can turn it on my sin nature and plunge it to the hilt whispering - "Die! Die old self that loves clean carpets more than Jesus. Die!" (I am not saying that such things should not be corrected, but sisterly nagging is not the loving way.) And in those moments, I am amazed at the rebellious strength of my old nature. I feel it kicking, screaming inside me, "No don't kill me, you'll be so much happier if you turn and nag them." Sometimes I have listened to its pleading, and let it spring back up and do its thing, and I lose the chance to die and the chance to show love. But I want to die more often so I can say this in truth:

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Gal. 2:20 ESV

* A Chance to Die - the life and legacy of Amy Carmichael, by Elisabeth Elliot

It's Spring!

Spring is here, and gloriously so. I haven't experienced spring in four years and am truly loving every bit of it. The sunshine, the birds singing, the spring flowers - but there are still all these crusty old piles of half-melted snow lying around looking like they ought to be done away with.

I was thinking about it the other day and realized that this is kind of like my life. God has awakened my soul and there is life. Christ lives in me - to think! There are rays of light and grace shining and warming my soul but there are these crusty old sin-habits lying around, looking uglier as time goes by. Oh for more light and heat to melt them! I wanted to do away with those crusty snow heaps and by God's grace I want to do away with my crusty old will and sit in the light of His love till there are fewer and fewer piles of slush, and more and more snowdrops in my soul.

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." - 2 Cor. 3:18 ESV

Surviving or Abounding?

In the past days as we've finished off all the details of leaving Guyana and are trying to tackle all the details of getting adjusted to life back in the states, I have found myself living with a survival mindset. Of course some of that is necessary, but merely surviving is not the fullness of life that God desires for His children - He wants us to look not only to our own interests but also to the interests of others. Or, as I've been reading in Titus, He wants His people to abound in good works

"Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works"

"Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us...to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works."

"Remind them...to be ready for every good work"

"I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works"

Good works do not commend me to God or atone for my sins - as Titus 3 says: "he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy"- but good works are the occupation of the redeemed, the proof of the divine nature indwelling me, the pathway of joy and blessing.

So my desire in these days is to focus not so much on getting my needs taken care of, but on doing the delightful will of God for His glory and the good of my fellow man. Thank God that He is the one who works in us both to will and to do His good pleasure.

All Scriptures from English Standard Version

Let Me Hide Myself in Thee

Today we went on a trip to the beach. (By the way, don't picture some absolutely gorgeous tropical beach. Guyana beaches are mostly clayey brown sand and silty brown water, and garbage :-( But they do have some vestiges of beauty.) We had a quiet, relaxing time and traveled toward home in the glow of a brilliant mass of sunset clouds, silhouetting myriads of coconut trees. Driving on in the deepening dusk, we were all singing, "Rock of Ages" the last verse:

"While I draw this fleeting breath
When my eyes shall close in death
When I soar to worlds unknown
See thee on thy judgment throne"

- Augustus M. Toplady

There was something ahead of us. Daddy slowed to a stop as we saw a motorcycle laying on its side in the middle of the road and people gathered at the scene.

"Talk about 'soaring to world's unknown' I said, and pondered the helmet and stray motorcycle parts clustered by the road's edge.

As we passed by with a hymn and an accident stirring our hearts, we were sobered by the reality of life and death. "While I draw this fleeting breath," Daddy murmured. It's probable that the rider survived, but how quickly life can end if God wills to cut it short. How easily we forget that our life is brief, and our footsteps are ever treading the crumbling brink of eternity.

We never did finish the song; there were two more lines, and I thought about them as we traveled on.

"...When I soar to world's unknown
See Thee on Thy judgment throne
Rock of ages, cleft for me
Let me hide myself in Thee."

Let me hide myself in Him! Jesus, the atoning sacrifice for my sins. Jesus, my righteousness in the sight of God. Jesus, the everlasting rock of my salvation.

"Nothing in my hand I bring
Simply to Thy cross I cling."

Jesus has borne my judgment, and in the day of judgment I shall be hid in Him. There is no wrath awaiting me at the edge of eternity, but only infinite love and infinite glory and entrance into the infinite joy of the Lord - because of Jesus. Thanks be to Him!

"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood and made us a kingdom, priests to his God and Father, to him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen." - Revelation 1:5b-6 ESV

Lessons from the Garden

This morning was lovely. The thermometer barely touching 80. The sun clouded and to the west the blue sky spread with those high, clean, wispy clouds that come after a rain. The breeze coming softly over the river, wafting a fresh, woodsy exhilarating scent through the morning air.

A good morning to get some yardwork done. I got my pruning shears and went around cutting dead branches off plants. After I finished, I walked past my bouganvillea again and noticed a totally dead branch lying on top of the fence. Hmm.. must have cut it off awhile back and it didn't fall to the ground. I reached to take it off, but it wouldn't move, so I lifted up the branches and checked the end of the stem. It was still connected - at least it looked like it. That's strange... But when I pulled on it again, I realized that though the outer bark was connected, the inner fibers of the branch had been broken off long ago.

It made me think - about Jesus' words

"Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned." - John 15:5-6 ESV

It made me think - about the possibility of looking like abiding in Christ. It is possible to be disconnected from the life of Christ in the heart and yet maintain an outward semblance of it for a time. Outwardly the religious activity that accompanies true abiding in Christ is the same, but inwardly the connection is not there. It doesn't last. That dead branch was a sober reminder that it doesn't.

The importance of being in Christ is immense. To be really in Him, by faith, is what matters above all else. What good is it to maintain an appearance of being in Christ? It is of no value; it is even damnable. The disconnected branch may for a little while remain green, but it will dry up and be destined for burning.

But to be really in the vine, even if it means being pruned and for awhile not looking like much - to be really in Christ and He in me - that in time I may be "filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." (Philippians 1:11 ESV) ...is the greatest blessedness, for only in Christ will I bear good fruit, and bearing good fruit I shall be proven to be in Christ. Then my hope increases, and God is glorified.

"By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples." - John 15:8 ESV

Make me one who...

My God, make me one

who cares not

what others think of me,

but what You think of me,

and what others think of You

because of me.
__________________________

"You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." - 1 Cor. 6:19-20 ESV

A Little Picture of Perseverance

May 30, 2006

On Sunday I was with Mother in the car - now I have to explain to any readers our unique situation. We have a little church that meets in a decrepit building on the corner of the main road. (It's decrepit partly because we don't own it, and every service we have no assurance that it won't be our last one in the building - so we don't spend much money on upkeep. We are trying and praying toward buying the building but the owner is a rather moody Hindu man who wants more money out of us than we can give. Thankfully, neither he nor his demands are greater than our God.) Anyway, after service mother was taking a lady home in our car while everyone else waited at the church - except for me. I decided to go along. It was raining, and after dropping off the lady, we were going along the muddy road back toward the church building when we saw a sight. Both Mother and I wished we had the camera, but a word picture must suffice:
A young boy of about seven years was coming down the road. He was barefoot and wearing only underpants (which is very normal in Guyana - and probably better for walking in the rain!) He had probably just ridden the family bike to the local shop to buy ice and was now returning. The bike was a full-size adult bike and he was pushing it with both hands. His head was slightly down, gripping the top of the bag of ice between his front teeth, while rain streamed down his face. His face was a picture of grit and determination as he slowly pushed the bike toward home. What a picture! I hope his mother thanked him when he got home.
Sometimes life is like that.
What kept that boy going? The command of his parent and the end of his trip - home! (and maybe a soft drink with ice when he got there.) Something better awaits believers in Christ - God. Our dwelling place, our eternal home and our fountain of delight forever. He will fill us with joy in His presence, with eternal pleasure at His right hand.
And if we have to tramp barefoot through mud in life, our hands so full, we wish we had three... we can keep on going, one step at a time. Jesus will keep us persevering in grace and our God will bring us safely home. I know that no analogy is a perfect one - our lives aren't always tramping through mud. There is earthly joy many times in our way. But when we have to drudge, the joy of the Lord is our strength and the end of the journey is our hope.

"...strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying that through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God." - Acts 14:22 ESV

Ask, and it shall be given unto you - a story.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Yesterday was Tuesday, visitation day for our church. The Lord had laid it upon my heart to visit my friend Anna, a girl about my age who lives in Edinburgh near our church but goes to a very small Pentecostal church nearby with her family. I hadn't talked to her in a long time. Throughout the day I just asked God to fill me with His Spirit and give me wisdom and let me glorify Him in what I say to her. Mother said I should also visit Asha, a Muslim girl from Georgetown (the capital) who had come back from there and was staying with her aunt in Edinburgh. (I'd had a Bible study with her before.) I felt so helpless to accomplish anything, but God has never failed me, and I asked him to use me once again. So my mother and I went to Edinburgh (the village of our church about 2 miles away from Glasgow, where we live) First we visited a lady who goes to our church, whose little son was very sick, with tonsilitis as we found out. She was sitting on a bench in her side porch, holding a piece of styrofoam. Mother talked with her while I kept quiet, watching three of their dogs tumble and walk around nearby. When we were about to leave, the lady said she'd tried to call us but our phone was busy. Mother asked, "Do you have our cell-phone number?" "No" "Do you have a piece of paper?" "I can just write it on this" (the styrofoam) "Um, I can't remember it, Alyssa?" Aha! That's the whole providential reason I came along, to say "619-5682". Well God works out little things too. [When we got back into the car, we were greeted by the pungent smell of ripe mangoes. Through the whole time, we couldn't figure out what it was coming from.] Anyway, Mother took me to Nali's house/shop where Asha was. While I was with Asha, I asked her what she remembered from the last time, when we studied in Romans. She said, "The good and the bad". That's all she could remember. I reminded her that who is bad is us, and who is good is God. Then I sought to explain to her Isaiah 53 and the gospel, Jesus bearing our sins, our righteousness not sufficient - we must have His, which we get by believing in Him who will take our sins and be our righteousness. I don't know how much she understood, but she listened attentively. She is not a strong Muslim, and likes Christianity, that's why my mother got me onto her. But oh may God open her eyes to see and understand and believe. Leaving that house, I walked down the street to remind Kelly that I was only coming for her reading lessons every other week now. She looked as if she had forgotten I wasn't coming and was ready for me and I felt reluctant not to stay, but I had a mission - Anna, so I told her to keep on studying. I decided that I didn't want to walk on the busy main road to go to Anna's so I turned into the next street, where I learned a lesson - always look the whole way down a street before you enter it. There were 4 oil barrels forming a barricade to large vehicles at the head of the street and I walked around them. The side of the street was freshly laid with tar and gravel, so I stepped over that and walked on the little dirt strip on the far side. A hired car driver was trying to enter the road and was moving the barrels. A middle-aged man was standing in front of his house yelling at the man for messing with other people's property - I hurried on my way. As I walked I realized that men were still working on the road - oh no, workmen. I doubted that this white girl could get past them without some comments. I ignored one who said, "How are you this afternoon? - hey, you can't even give a 'good afternoon'?" Well I managed to get through the street without too many more comments and soon reached Anna's house. Her mother was there, but she was at church practicing worship dance and would soon be back. So we sat on the porch and talked. I love how easy it is to go to Guyanese people's houses and visit them. While we sat there, a girl who lived on the same street as the church passed on her bike, and Anna's mother hollered for her to tell Anna to come home because somebody was here for her. Anna's mother told me about Anna's being in the President's Youth Club program and how she had gotten the Silver Award for her walking expidition (A kind of 'scouts' program) She wants to go for the gold - walking from Lethem to Brazil! When Anna came, we talked about that and I shared some verses with her. I asked her what her goal for her life was. She said, "In the church, I want to be a preacher and teach people God's word, and in my life I want to be an accountant." I knew that there church promotes women leadership. She had also told me that in her Bible she mostly reads the gospels and some of the beginning. Well, I showed her the passages in Timothy and I Cor. about women, that they should not speak in the church. She had NEVER heard those verses and it seemed they just blew her mind. Well I talked to her about that and later told her my testimony. God empowered me so much and gave me so much joy and freedom in speaking to her. When I left she said, "I feel so different." and I told her to think about and pray about the things I'd told her. God never fails. He uses earthem vessels to display His glory. When I opened my Bible in the Psalms that night, I saw one verse, "When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stout-hearted." Amen.

"And He will win the battle. "

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

On Monday, our family went to Whim beach, about 45 minutes up the coast. On our drive along the single coastal road we saw clusters of uniformed school-children streaming onto the road, wandering cows, big new houses and shops - and an Islamic school. It was a large, newly built wooden structure and we passed just as the children, all dressed in dark green and white uniforms were being let out. Young girls with burkas and backpacks, young boys with white skullcaps and others dressed like "christian" schoolchildren - bareheaded. I watched their faces as we passed and felt discouragement weigh upon me, discouragement over the spread of Islam that we have been seeing more and more of, and sadness for their souls. How this region could benefit from a Christian school…but our organization of churches here is so tiny, so lacking in resources and Christian leaders, that the prospect of a Christian school seems beyond unimaginable. Not only did we see one new Muslim school, I saw on our trip that the Muslims are building a big new school beside their huge mosque in New Amsterdam, and we saw a large new Muslim youth center as well. On the way home from the beach we stopped at a big white store where we go to buy "American" things. I stayed outside, and while sitting in the car, I looked up and saw the muslim moon and star symbol painted thrice, high on the buiding. How the Muslims seem to prosper. While they build big new buildings, we meet in a tiny, wooden bottomhouse addition - unpainted except for the FOR SALE spray-painted on every wall by the owner, with his phone numbers added to the graffiti. I know that God is Sovereign but felt like the psalmist in Psalm 73 - why do the wicked prosper? And the dread feeling that Islam would take over Guyana jostled the foundations of my heart. In the midst of this, the Lord whispered His word to my heart. At the beach I finished the missions chapter of Desiring GOD. "What is impossible with men is possible with God." John Piper quoted. And in my heart sang "The Lord knows those who are his....", "Those whom he predestined he also called...", and the remembrance of the foretold end, the redeemed worshipping the Lamb who has conquered everything. It lifted my soul in hope - the war will be won! ... but what about this battle? What can I do? "I will build my church" said Jesus. What a disconsolate creature I must be, since all this did not cheer my heart as it ought to have. Finally, at bedtime, our ever gracious Lord caused the Psalms to burst upon my longing heart with almighty truth: "I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples, For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens, and let your glory be over all the earth. Save us and help us with your right hand, that those you love may be delivered. God has spoken from his sanctuary: "In triumph I will parcel out Shechem and measure off the Valley of Succoth. Gilead is mine, Manasseh is mine; Ephraim is my helmet, Judah my scepter. Moab is my washbasin, upon Edom I toss my sandal; over Philistia I shout in triumph." Who will bring me to the fortified city? Who will lead me to Edom? Is it not you, O God, you who have rejected us and no longer go out with our armies? Give us aid against the enemy, for the help of man is worthless. With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies. - Psalm 108:3-13 May God someday shout in triumph over Guyana - He will win the victory and trample Satan, our enemy. He is King and his glory will someday be over all of the earth.

Eureka! According to the Providential Kindness of an Ever-Watching Lord

Monday, August 8, 2005

Has it been weeks, days, months - years? - or just dull seasons, that I have stumbled groggily through morning devotions; praying, but only realizing that I was thinking about my wardrobe or one thousand other trivial things, sitting to pray for 30 minutes, but only praying for 10 or 15 of them and just feeling frustrated? Oh what a drag it was on my soul!

Yesterday around noon, I sat down on the couch - there were a few minutes before lunch - and asked God to just help me; can't even remember what I prayed. Beside me was Desiring God which I have been reading for awhile (and which I will say to anyone that if you haven't read this, read it!).

Picking it up, I opened to the end of the chapter on "Scripture: The Kindling for Christian Hedonism" where I had left off. John Piper wrote about George Mueller [some excerpts from a long passage]

"I saw more clearly than ever, that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord......I might in other ways seek to behave myself as it becomes a child of God in this world; and yet, not being happy in the Lord, and not being nourished and strenghened in my inner man day by day, all this might not be attended to in a right spirit. Before this time my practice had been, at least for ten years previously, as an habitual thing, to give myself to prayer, after having dressed in the morning. Now I saw, that the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the Word of God and to meditation on it...The first thing I did, after having asked in a few words the Lord's blessing upon His precious Word, was to begin to meditate on the Word of God; searching as it were, into every verse, to get blessing out of it... The result I have found to be almost invariably this, that after a very few minutes my would has been led to confession, or to thanksgiving, or to intercession, or to supplication; so that though I did not, as it were, give myself to prayer, but to meditation, yet it turned almost immediately more or less into prayer. When thus I have been for awhile making confession, or intercession, or supplicaion, or have given thanks, I go on to the next words or verse, turning all, as I go on, into prayer for myself or others, as the Word may lead to it; but still continally keeping before me, that food for my own soul is the object of my meditation...

"The difference between my former practice and my present one is this. Formerly, when I rose, I began to pray as soon as possible, and generally spent all my time till breakfast in prayer, or almost all the time. At all events I almost invariably began with prayer....But what was the result? I often spent a quarter of an hour, or half an hour, or even an hour on my knees, before being conscious to myself of having derived comfort, encouragement, humbling of soul, etc.; and often after having suffered from wandering of mind for the first ten minutes, or a quarter of an hour, or even half an hour, I only then began really to pray.

"I scarcely ever suffer now in this way. For my heart being nourished by the truth, being brought into experimental fellowship with God, I speak to my Father, and to my Friend (vile though I am, and unworthy of it!) about the things that He has brought before me in His precious Word."

Now, that was EXACTLY what I needed; and this morning I did this - prayerful meditation on God's word. It was such a blessed way of doing morning devotions. I want to do this for the rest of my life! Thanks be to God for the wisdom passed on from saints gone before.